EBC: The First Step is Always the Hardest...

The weather had certainly taken a change for the better.  The sun was shining, the trees were starting to blossom, and the normal sounds of spring were here - birds chirping, bees buzzing, the occasional soft gust of wind... and, more obviously, some cats' pelts were beginning to change.  For some, their fur was short again.  Others, theirs became more colorful.  And the rest, it was both; as was the case for one lynx who was making her way towards the leader's den.  

Though the new weather was pleasant, Penelope also had to be careful... over a year had passed since she last arrived to Ice Empire, but the fact that her respiratory system was weaker and more vulnerable had not changed, even if she was a bit stronger than when she was a cub.  Of course, it wasn't quite as serious as it was back then, but better safe than sorry right? Still, there seemed to be something a bit different about the lynx mix this afternoon.  It wasn't common for her to reveal her emotions openly, or to express herself, but it was becoming more frequent than it had before.  And now, there was a soft look in her eyes.  

The gentle gaze certainly wasn't misplaced.  With a nod, she could agree; her life was good.  Penny hadn't been given the most ideal start in life, and it didn't play out as peachy as it could have either.  Of course, she knew that others probably had it worse than her, but she couldn't doubt the impact her trials had left on her younger self.  Being so different to begin with, not having a relationship with any family members, being raised by a human only to see him killed later, and like many other cats, fighting in the coliseum... it had been hard, and a lot of it would stay with her forever.  But something had changed for Penelope.  A new home.  A new path.  A new life.  Its name? Ice Empire.

The change hadn't been very obvious at first, at least not in a way that Penny thought would help her.  She was confused, frightened, uncertain... she wanted to help her empire, but she wasn't exactly sure how, and she was still grieving over the loss of Master, and there was her phobia of tigers, too... but slowly, things began to improve for the hybrid, one thing at a time.  The apprentice paused just at the mouth of Ceres' den, and her mouth curled into the sweetest smile.  Eli had been the start of it... her night under the stars with him, later being adopted by the liger, and thus being brought into Ceres' care as well, which brought on the biggest change of all.  It hadn't been immediate, but soon, Penelope was starting to feel like a member of their family.  A family she could finally be a part of.  

Of course, she still had her fear, the one that reminded her of that terrible day... which was a problem, because Ceres herself was a tiger, and so were her cubs.  Penelope had only had the courage to approach one of them... but after speaking with the bare gladiator, as well as some extra encouragement from Eli, she had come to a decision.  She still wasn't brave enough to approach Kota or Ruka, but at least she had confronted Ceres, and that was a start.  After all, the leader had been the cat she was likely to come in contact with most often, and the one she had felt most guilty about running away from.  Even now, as she steeled herself for the task at paw, Penny was a shaking a little, but she reminded herself why she had made this decision.  What completely-sorta-tiger had told her.  What she wanted out of this new opportunity.  The young lynx, although she and many others didn't realize it, actually had a very determined nature.  She may be scared, have low self confidence, and be unsure at times, but she knew what she wanted.  She didn't want to be a burden, and she wanted to be the best cat she could be.  This part of her had most likely developed over time.  Not only had her situation improved; Penelope herself had too.

But there was another reason she was here, and that too gave the lynx enough motivation to go forward.  She had been accepted as the Healer's Apprentice, yes, but there was a hidden motivation she hadn't really told anyone about yet, the reason she'd been able to push herself to even ask, and the driving factor of her new role in the empire.  It wasn't that she was having a hard time learning the gladiator stuff, or that she was shy and timid... deep down, she still wanted to overcome all that.  Penelope still wanted to be able to fight and hunt... if not just as well as someone like Completely-Sorta or Eli, at least well enough that she could make a difference in any battle or hunt, should the need arise.  No, the reason she was doing this came from much deeper within her.  It took root in a very sensitive and strong part of her, that would not easily falter.  While there were some things she was good at, like attaching what an herb looked or smelled like to its name, there were others she wasn't, such as remembered which plants all have the same use but what still makes them different.  Sometimes she would find things a little overwhelming too, or doubted herself... but because of Master, the reason she was doing this in the first place, she was able to keep going forward.  Her new friends and family helped too, of course... but Master was, and always would be special to her.  And he was a healer too.  She used to watch him all the time with curiosity and interest.  And even now, she looked up to him so much, and missed him a lot.  She wanted to be like him.  And she was feeling closer to him already... with that in mind, the lynx was sure she could do anything.

Now, however, was the time to push those thoughts away.  She had a job to do, and had to focus on it as much as she possibly could.  Penelope took a deep breath.  Her assignment was to help Ceres feel better; her pregnancy was causing her discomfort.  She told herself this morning that she would be ok... after all, she had confronted Ceres only recently.  But she was still nervous... and very scared.  She'd never actually treated a cat before, aside from tending to Anura's wound once.  What if she did something wrong? What if she just made things worse? And if she was honest with herself, her phobia was starting to kick in as she gazed at the resting tigress through the entrance.  It wasn't like when she'd first come to Ice Empire, of course... she used to scare herself silly, thinking about how she'd have to go against Ceres for her final exam... but it did make her feel shaky and insecure, not anything like she had on that day that she'd managed to force herself so close to the leader.  Maybe it was because Eli and Completely-Sorta weren't here, or maybe she just needed to try again.  She wasn't sure.  Slowly, her mind started to drift away into a sense of uncertainty until-

"Hey, kid.  What are you doing just standing there?"

The shout from behind surprised the apprentice, causing her fur to stand on end, particularly on her back and neck where it was most noticeable.  She was especially wary of strange voices from behind her... then again, who wouldn't be, right? Hesitantly, the lynx turned her head to see a smaller red cat approaching her.  She blinked... something about this cat seemed off.  She wasn't sure who he was, but his expression reminded him of Chrystalline.  That was more than enough for her to collapse inside herself out of self-consciousness and the need to defend herself emotionally.  

"You're Penelope, aren't you?" He spoke again.  "Ruby's apprentice?"

The strange cat's expression didn't soften.  He didn't seem immediately hostile or mean, but he didn't really seem all that friendly either.  Quietly, Penelope didn't hesitate to respond.  "Yes."

He tilted his head.  "What was that?"

"U-um... yes... yes." Was he angry with her, or had he just not heard? She couldn't tell.  She spoke louder, just in case.

"Well, you're late."

Penelope winced... perhaps he was angry after all.  "I... am?"

"Yeah, I've been looking for you for the past hour."  He seemed irritated, but still not overly agitated of hostile either.  That was good, but Penelope still felt really bad.  She was late and this cat was intimidating her.

"S-sorry mister..." Her ears and head hung low, but she looked up at the jaguarundi expectantly.

"It's Bird."  He didn't flinch, but kept his eye on her.  Penelope nodded to herself... so this was Bird, Ruby's mentor... she looked up as he spoke again.  "Anyway, no use crying over spilt milk, I suppose."  He motioned forward with his head.  "C'mon then, let's get started."

She was still tense and a little upset, but once again the lynx nodded, and followed the older cat in Ceres' den.  It was a little strange, following a cat who was actually smaller than her for once, but she didn't linger on it for long, because it was seconds later that she saw Ceres.  Laying there.  Right in front of her.  The lynx froze up, and looked back for Eli, but he wasn't there... he was training with other felines today.

Bird glanced over at her, confused.  "Eh?" he grunted.  "What's the matter?"

"N-nothing... I'm ok."  It was a little lie, but she was pretty good about lying when she was upset or scared.  Penelope didn't like to draw attention to herself, or make others think she was weak.

The retired healer narrowed his eyes.  "Well c'mon then."

Another nod, and Penny took a few hesitant steps forward.  Bird was making her a little nervous, and even though she didn't want to, she was also very scared standing so close to a tiger, without any cats to lean on for support.  This new role she had taken up... while it was something she was beginning to enjoy, it came with its share of challenges, and whenever that happened, Penelope had learned one thing that would help her.

She had to ask herself.

What would Master do?

Quietly, the lynx took herself back to time where everything was simpler, trying to cut to a memory where she witnessed Master looking after a difficult patient... she remembered that he always did his best to remain calm and move through the task indifferently... but what about if Master was scared?

"Oh, hello Penelope."

The tigress' larger, strained voice cut through the lynx's consciousness, bringing her mind back to the present.  Right... she had to do this.  Besides, she couldn't think of ever seeing Master scared... except... that one time, when... right before... well...
...

Turning to Ceres, Penelope offered a small smile, and the shortest of greetings.  "Hi."

"Ruby instructed you on your task, then?" came the jaguarundi's voice.

Penelope gulped... he was certainly direct.  "Um... uh-huh."

"Better get right to then."

Penelope only nodded, and quickly left the den, bolting towards the healer's den and  towards the herb store.  This was easy.  She knew where it was; Ruby had shown it to her several times.  And better still, Bird wasn't there to unnerve her and Ceres to intimidate her.  When she reached the store, Penny took a deep breath, and looked around.  She was sniffing a lot too... strangely, she had learned that scent could be just as much, if not more important in identifying herbs, and in this particular case, she felt that would be true.  Ruby had suggested a plant called peppermint... it had been described as having an appearance and scent very similar to catmint, but the leaves were more bumpy.  If anything, the strong, sweet, alluring scent of the plant would be the first thing Penelope would check for, and it didn't fail her... she was able to find two sources of the scent she was seeking, each slightly different, but the peppermint was unmistakable... it was definitely different than catmint.  Feeling a little surge of pride, the apprentice grabbed the herb, and returned to Ceres.

Bird gazed at her thoughtfully.  "Is that it?"

"Y-yeah." the lynx nodded.

After the cat nodded his head towards Ceres, slowly and cautiously, Penelope faced the tiger, the herb in her mouth.  After a moment, she dropped it and nudged it towards the leader.  

"She doesn't know what to do with it." Bird stated.  "You're the healer... instruct your patient."

"Oh..."  Penelope was a little embarrassed.  "Er... chew and swallow."  She still wasn't the best at being vocal, but hoped that was enough for Ceres to get the idea.  Thankfully, it seemed to be.  The tigress nodded and smiled, and did as she was instructed.  

Penny glanced over at Bird, who nodded and started to leave the den, but glanced over his shoulder.  "There's some herb leftover... aren't you gonna put it away?"

The apprentice shook her head.  "I... I thought... maybe... Ceres would like some extra... might... might the scent help too?" Every word was slow and strained, but at least they seemed to prove their purpose.  In the corner of her eye, Penny saw Ceres smile.

Bird was quiet for a moment, but smiled briefly.  "Heh, good enough for me."  Again, he turned and walked away.  "See you."

Not sure whether to be offended or confused by the abrupt, tactless departure, Penelope just sat there.  Her fur prickled a little as Ceres' voice sounded behind her.

"Penelope, you're welcome to go somewhere else if you'd like, at least until Ruby gets back."

The lynx blinked.  "U-uh... somewhere else?"

"Well... don't I frighten you?" Ceres said softly.  "There's no need for you to be here anymore if you don't want to be."

Penelope paused, wondering if she may have offended Ceres.  Yeah... she was scared.  And she was glad this assignment was over... but... her decision hadn't changed.  She didn't want to be held back anymore.  She wanted to learn to live with her fear, to move forward, to be part of a family.  Eli and Crispus were the beginning, and in her opinion, Ceres was the next step.  It wouldn't be easy, but... she was beginning to see... nothing worth trying for ever is.  So, Penny nodded, but shook her head immediately after.

Ceres chuckled.  "Is that a yes, or a no?"

"...both."  Penelope replied after a long silence.  "I... I'm scared.  But I don't want... that to stop me anymore..." The lynx paused.  Everything she hadn't been able to say before to her leader, maybe she could say it now.  If not everything, at least some of it.  She wanted to express herself, no matter how nervous she was.  "Besides, you... you're like my mom now... right? So I shouldn't be afraid..."

The tigress glanced at her thoughtfully, absorbing every word, as if going over them each individually... at least, Penelope thought so.  She found it comforting, and it gave her the confidence to continue.  She also kept in mind everything Crispus had told her... everything she had told him... helping to push herself forward.  Squinting her eyes closed and taking a deep breath, Penelope continued.  Speaking was hard for her, but she wanted this.  More than she'd ever wanted anything.  "I never... really had a family... a mom... and... and I want to know what it's like... and... even if it hurts... I want to be able to do what I like, without being scared..." Penelope was surprised with herself for a moment.  She wasn't usually one to be so open, but she had thought a lot about this, and she'd had a lot of help from Crispus and Eli too, so perhaps that was where her determination came from.

She wasn't really expecting a response from the tiger for some reason, but what she said surprised the lynx.  "You need to do what's best for you, Penelope.  And I think, only you could know that."

Best for her? The apprentice just nodded.  It made sense, and it was certainly reassuring.  But what was that, exactly? For a long time, Penelope just sat by the entrance to the den, pondering the leader's statement.  And in the end, she only nodded, and laid down.  This was still hard for her, and she wasn't sure when it would get easier.  After all, this was only her second attempt, and this time she had done it on her own, under a little pressure.  What was best for her? For now, perhaps it was just to sit here.  Lay at the entrance, watching for either Ruby or Completely-Sorta to come back; whoever came first.  After several minutes, she began to relax.  She dozed off into her thoughts, and unsurprisingly, they once again drifted to Master... this time, something he had told her once.

You need to know to walk before you can run, Penny.  
And the thing is, every walk begins with a single step.  
The first step is always the hardest, but if you never take it, you'll be in the same place you were before.  
But after that first step, then comes the second, and third.  
Eventually, it gets easier, and before you know it you'll hit the ground running.

A father and a brother had been the first step... in her journey as an empire cat, and in getting over her fears, she was barely beginning to walk.  But Penelope had to believe, that someday, she would be able to run.